Twas the Nite before Thanksgiving...

• • Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen;
  • I was cooking and baking and moaning' and bitchin'.
  • I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
  • This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!
  • Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,
  • They expect all the trimmings - who cares what I need!
  • My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
  • The dog just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
  • There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
  • Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
  • Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
  • My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
  • I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
  • Then walks in my boyfriend, spilling rum on the floor.
  • He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
  • Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
  • He looks all around and with total regret,
  • Says "What's takin' so long? Aren't you through in here yet??"
  •  As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
  • He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
  • He flees from the room in terror and pain,
  • and screams "MY GOD, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
  • Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
  • Oh, shit, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
  • I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
  • But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
  • What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
  • If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
  • Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
  • They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
  • But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
  • You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
  • I'll hire a maid, and a cook, and a
    • waiter; 
    • And if that doesn't work THEN I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!